Medical school is really different. Everyone. is studying from day one as if it was finals week. But I like it though. I've been working out a lot. And making a lot of friends & study buddies.

I was watching the last couple of episodes of Sex and the City where Carrie is changing her life by moving to a new City.

It got me thinking about my own big move and what i want for my own life. I may have grown up in New York, but i'm a south Florida girl. I'm a Plantation, Pembroke Pines, Sawgrass, Miami girl. This is where i live. Where i came of age. Where i got used to the bright green trees, and the blue blue sky, and the hot hot heat. I love it here. And even though it's not perfect, I fit in here. I've made a life for myself here. I had to. And it wasn't bad.

And now i think about the big move, and how i felt lonley in my dorm, and how i felt lonley in Europe. How i wanted to know others, and be known. To fit it. To feel comfortable. To belong.

I'm sure i'll have that in Tennesse. But it will take a while to get used to. To learn the streets. To know the routine.

I didn't really realize how well i knew my way around and how comfortable i was here in Plantation until i had to start looking up where everything was in Tennessee. I don't know where anything is. I don't know where the good parts and the bad parts are. That's scary.

Its the being alone and being idle. Its the feeling of being displaced. i'm sure i'll get over it.

But already i'm dreading the dreary colors. I'm used to technacolor over here. *sigh* I'll have to deal with it.

The colors i can't change, but what i do with myself once i get out there i can.

The happiest times in my life, was my first semester as an RA, right out of training. Being with staff for two weeks was more like a vacation summer camp than work. School was great. My classes challenging, but i loved studying with Jesse, Alah, and the others. I had Paula, Jade, and Delio. I would soon have Jess-E. And i loved working out and dressing up the body i had earned from all the hours of running and sweating.

I hate the summer session when i was "studying for the MCAT" I had no classes. My staff didn't like me. I felt like i was doing a horrible job as an RA. All my friends were gone for the summer, and I was lying to my parents. I didn't know what was going on with my life or school because at that point I had given up on being pre-med. I was regainig the weight that i lost. The parents were unemployed. I was boarderline atheist at that time, and completely lost spirtiually. I was bored out of my mind and the only thing that kept me sane was talking to Karl at night. Maybe that's why i slept with B****. What happend with Jose wasn't helping my identity or self-esteem. I was so unsure of who i was, that i didnt say no to something i wouldn't do. I just wanted comfort. My world was upside down. Nothing was going right. And to think i blamed it on my weight... What a decoy! The weight problem was a consequence of what was going on in my life.

Thinking about how i might be out of place in TN makes me see see how accepted i am in SoFla.

All this time i was so insecure ans so terrified becuase i feared i didn't belong. NOw i know the truth: Hell yeah i belong! I spent so much time second guessing if am i doing good enough job, do i belong with these people, do they like me, am i accepted. All along the answer was yes. And if i knew that, it would be the backbone for confidence.

Now i know what security is. Its knowing you belong. Knowing who you are. Knowing what you're doing. Knowing what you believe in. Knowing its okay. Knowing you're okay.

I'll try to remember all that when i'm feeling insecure and out of place

Without God or society, the world is a scary place. Nothing is more frightening than the idea of being stranded in a wild place (jungle, desert, swamp, mountainside, forest) with no tools and little knowlege of how to survive. Finding food, building shelter, braving the elements, surviving illness or ingury, and fending off preadtors large and small all on ones own for as long as one lives without the knowlege provided by ones who lived before you is the definition of a nightmareish life. Communities are built because there is safety in numbers. Far more can be achieved in groups than with a single individual. But when people come together, there is stuggle. Differing opinions and motives cause strife, and society must find a way to forge on together, albeit uncomfortably if we are to prevent the alternative of facing natural forces alone. We pray to God for mercy and protection from the elements and to provide justice when one man wrongs another in context of group forming a system of morality and divine punishment. God and groups are man's means of psycological and physical protection in life.

But with modern devices, services, and safety nets, it is completely possible to live a comfortable and relatively safe life alone. Food is no longer hunted or gathered, it is purchased at the supermarket. We are warned of hurricanes days to weeks in advance. Forest fires are put out with hoses and helicopters. If you make it out of a natural desaster alive, yet your home is destroyed, insurance will cover the cost of procuring a new one.

Yet even with propetual singleness being a viable option, sex and childrearing bring us back together. Though masterbation is an option, it pails in comparison to passionate sex with another human being, opposite sex or otherwise. And while it is possible to rear a child alone in a world of babysitters, schools, extra-curriculars, and large paychecks earned by a single breadwinner, the psychological aspect of a male and female parental figure cannot be ignored.

We must also consider maternal and paternal feelings. As children a literally part of ourselves, voluntary production of a child makes it difficult to abandon offspring as would be in a way abandoning ourselves. Self abandoment goes contrary to the powerful instict of survival and self-preservation. Moverover, women have (ideally) 9 months of bonding and co-existance with the child to establish a pattern of dependance, protection, and connection, to have literally 9 months to have child be part of herself. For men, walking away is far easier, especially during pregnancy when the father has yet to meet the child or confirm that it is his. Separation is easier further still in the early months of pregnancy when the mother is not showing and lack of visable evidence of coming child make the child only a concept or figment of imagination in a man's mind. But once the child's bond is made as an extension of both the mother and father, the family unit is born, and the father and mother are tied to each other through the child.

The parents invest in the protection and sustance of the children. Within a few years, daughters can help mothers, sons can help fathers and in the years of mid-childhood through adolecence before starting their own families, children along with parents can work together as a group to produce far more than they could alone. Fear of birth defects caused by interbreeding and the desire to attain even more security by reaching loftier goals cause families to reach out to one another, building a network of bridges that forms a larger community.

Yet, all this comes back to the fact that in modern society, living independantly and purchasing goods and services nearly eliminates the nessesity relational interdependence in the form of community and family.

If via casual sex or prositution the drive for sex can be statisfied without resulting in emotional ties or children with the use of birth control and/or abortion, then we can live alone without ties to a family unit, the smallest and most basic community or socital unit known to man, simply getting what we want and surviving without connection or obligation to anyone. In my eyes, this is the direction our future is going.

One day sex may become a recreational activity of personal choice and preferance without the "unfortunate concequence" of pregnancy and attachment, while the business of propetuating humand live is relligated to test tubes, artificial insemination, hired serrogate mothers, and government subsidised childrearing facilities.

So what's my point?
Comitting oneself to faith in a greater being or choosing to believe in purposeless, accidental origins of life is a gamble, because no matter what anyone may say, we simply do not know for sure which one is true. However that fundemental choice has profound effects on how one lives life, because this belief will color they way things are seen and thus how they are dealt with.

Though i dance with the idea of accidental, i choose to believe in a loving God and creation. Perhaps it is truth. Perhaps it is wishful thinking. If God is true, and we believe in him, than we are simply believing as we ought. If He is not, then our belief is an attempt to understand and control an hostile, unpredicatble environemnt and provide ourselves with a false sense of security. But like i said, it's a gamble, whos answer may not be found even in death, for if there is no afterlife, the end of conciousness means we never personally percieve what happens after life. Thus the living of life in context of death, and ultimately purpose, is a complete mysetery. As a people who don't like uncertainty, it is the uncomfortable reality of life: no one knows for sure; we're all doing our best, stumbbling in the dark. Everything we do is an educated (or uneducated) guess.

what you feel in your mind
in your soul
comes out through
body
words
paint
notes
face

the truth of my heart set free
and made known
visceral made reality

how can i let someone else posssibly feel what i feel?
paint the picture
say the words
incite the emotion
provide the prospective
tell the story

how can i make known to myself how i feel?

I want some1 2 <3

1 man 2 hold me
2 Touch my skin
adore my curves
and say
3 words:
I
Love
You

A man who doesn't make me feel
< less than other women
But makes me feel
> greater than
I did
B4

you're new idea
freed something inside of me

another new idea will set another one free
until we've
let loose

the entire menagerie

He's Jewish
You're Christian

He's small
You're not

He's white
You're Black

So how can you love him?

I may not understand

but

I always
empathize

I need to be reconciled with God. It's like I'm the guilty party in the relationship. An adulterous, substance abusing, cursing, selfish, insecure person sabotaging the only good thing in my life, pushing away the only person who matters. No matter how good God was to me, i didn't really acknowledge Him. Any loving advice or discipline He'd show me for my own good, I'd rail against it.

I know that doing good won't save me. But i know you show you agree and accept God's love by following God's commandments. Following His word shows love to Him, myself, and the world - a created world He loves.

But i must admit I've been a selfish sinner so long being a loving follower of God and believer of Jesus unfamiliar to me. My soul is in desperate needing of cleansing by the blood of the lamb. I must constantly remind myself why I'm doing this, when it's so hard. And it's only hard because of my past. It's like detoxing from a drug, and trying to stay clean and sober. Sin is such a dizzying and destructive drug. It feels good for a second until you get hit by the consequences. "The wages of sin is death" and like every other person, i deserve to die. Paul said we were slaves to sin. But Jesus has set us free. Being sober is hard at first, but the health and radiance that comes with living in accordance with God is worth the effort.

God needs more workers on this planet and I want to be one. God is a gardener, pruning me to bare his good fruits of the spirit. I must be watered by the word and soak in its light.

I had a scary look into death. And the thoughts always begin the same: "One day I won't be here anymore. One day i will no longer experience existence. I will die, and it's all over."

Thoughts like that make your heart skip a beat in terror because it's something you can't control or prevent. One day you will die. It's a fact.

But then I remember Jesus, the only hope that I will live again, and not only live again, but reside in place much better than this: paradise. I believe that the God who put me here can pick up the pieces and re-start my deceased heart, and re-breathe MY spirit and being back into a new body after this one has long been scattered to the four winds. I must believe the promises of the Bible, that if I believe in the resurrection of the Messiah, and in the love of the one and only God, He will use that love to put me back together after i've taken my last breath, not because i particularly deserve it, but because I believed in His loving goodness and power.

If you don't believe in resurrection then you have no hope. My hope is in the savior.

Please read 1 Corinthians 15:12-19 or the entire chapter if you have time